Have Pie, Will Travel

Go Jules Go

This afternoon, Rachel’s Table and I are on our way up [from Delaware and New Jersey, respectively] to…

To see this gal!

The three of us had been daydreaming about a Maine get-together for ages. One December morning, I blurted, “Why wait? I’m not working [since my “separation” with Big Pharma], and Darla doesn’t have to go back to [Medical Assistant] school until late January! When will that ever happen again?”

Maine? In January? You’re probably thinking.

Sure, they’re having the harshest winter Darla’s ever seen, but I think I’ll be spending less time outdoors and more time doing this:

Besides, while most people fantasize about palm trees and white sand, I lust after evergreens, crisp air, mountains, and of course, an ocean view at every turn. I’ve been in love with Maine since my first visit [to Freeport, Bar Harbor and Acadia National Park] 16 years ago…

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Untitled. Or, a Work in Progress.

Maine: Best Worst Trip Ever

Go Jules Go

Last week, Rachel’s Table and I headed north to Freeport, Maine to visit Darla from She’s A Maineiac. I guess we were kind of excited.

We were originally going to go Friday-Sunday, but decided to leave on Thursday afternoon so we’d have a full day with Darla while her two adorable kiddos were in school.

Without traffic, it’s a 6 hour drive from New Jersey.

We took Rachel’s car, agreeing to split the driving time. Did I mention her car is new? And if there’s a pothole, I’ll hit it?

Somewhere between New York and Connecticut, we (and by we I mean me) hit 37 potholes. And I’m not talking little divots in the pavement.

On Rachel’s high-tech dashboard, we watched the air pressure in the driver’s side tire plummet.

By the time we reached Boxborough, Massachusetts, we had a flat. Rachel pulled over while I surreptitiously checked her fuel…

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This Literally Means War, Figuratively

The Byronic Man

I can be a word snob; I admit that.  But I am also a reasonable man.  When things reach such a crisis level as this, immediate diplomatic action is required, lest things break out in to total chaos.

I am, of course, referring to Google’s addition to its definition of “literal” as “used for emphasis or to express strong feeling while not being literally true.”  In other words, “literal: meaning, you know, not.”  And this is literally insane.  Word purists have been driven to the edge (figuratively) for years by people exclaiming that they “literally exploded” with anger, or “literally crapped [their] pants” in fear without it now being validated by Google, thank you very much.

But, recognizing that language is a living, fluid thing, and wanting to avoid physical conflict (because, let’s face it, the Word Snobs are probably going down hard in that one), I offer the following…

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: if life’s a hockey game, i’m the puck :

the whirly girl

Granted, no one’s chasing me with a stick, but give it time. That will be next in the cavalcade of misfortune. Right now, though, I have my hands full with the newest calamity: a flooded apartment. A stoopid pipe burst, boosh, and water rolled in like the tide. What pipe and why it exploded are strangely murky, I’ve heard conflicting accounts.

What’s clear is the fact I’m cursed. I am, I’m bedeviled. I don’t know who put the whammy on me, but they did a bang-up job. Really top-notch. It’s been one setback after another for nine long years: I’ve had two lay-offs, one health crisis, a financial meltdown, a broken arm, a car accident, eye surgery, a protracted and unrelenting blog funk, the polar vortex  — well, you get the point.

Jumping Jehoshaphat, give me a break.

This latest mischance was fairly subpar, as adversities go. There was…

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Pop Rocks For Breakfast

Getting Out of the Hospital

: pass the salt :

the whirly girl

You know the Paul Simon song, “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes?” I hate to ruin the allusion, but those aren’t diamonds. That’s road salt.

I know, because my shoes are the same way, the tread is dotted with bits and shards and slivers of common, everyday road salt. And I don’t need a jeweler’s loupe to tell the difference. I’m an expert; all I need is the naked eye. I must’ve pulled billions of sharp, pointy nuggets out of my shoes in the past couple of months. Heck, it’s my new hobby.

No longer slick or smooth-soled, my loafers have turned into golf spikes. Seriously. After a short walk from the car, they’re studded with salt and have the grip of Velcro with the traction of snow tires. Heck, I could navigate icy, mountainous terrain with sure-footed ease. While that’s nice outside, it’s treacherous indoors. My…

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University Treats,

I am a lawyer. After not being in University for about 12 years, I decide to pursue another degree, this time in Company law. I returned to Nairobi University to get the basic classes out of the way : fundamentals of law, torts, contracts, etc. Hey, with the salary that my employer pays me at times, I got money!! Tonight was the first class in the summer semester and at first, I was dreading the boredom of the classes. That was until I saw my classmates: Shiro (about 25, 5”7’, blonde, blue eyes, small figure); Kui (about 19, 5” 2’, blonde, green eyes, tiny figure); Kate (about 18, 5” 2’, strawberry blonde, tiny figure), Akinyi (about 21, 5” 4’, black hair, hazel eyes); Mwende (about 19, 5” 9’, red hair, hazel eyes, slender) and Anyango (about 19, 5” 10’, brown hair, hazel eyes). Let me tell ya’ about Anyango. Class was to last a couple of hours, and all of us seemed interested in the subject. When we took our first break, I headed to the Men’s room and then went out the front door of the complex, where some of the girls were smoking. They were chatting about their futures when Anyango asked me to sit on the bench with her. We talked about things in class and then she asked where the University was in reference to her side of town. I asked her if she had driven to school, surely she would know where it was. She told me that her Dad had brought her to school on his way to the airport and that she had slept the entire way. I asked her how she was going to get home and she said her Dad had told her to catch a bus. I asked what side of town she lived in, and she told me. Break time was over and we went back to class. When class was over, I headed out the back door to go where my pickup truck was parked and someone behind me asked why I was in such a hurry. I turned to see that Anyango was following me, so I told her I wanted to get to a nearby hill so I could make photos of the lunar eclipse tonight (Duh, I don’t even know what that was is HAHAHA) . She asked me if it was ok if she came along with me to see it and then afterwards I could take her home. I told her sure; she was welcome to tag along. I mean I would’ve been a fool not to wish to spend time with Anyango, as she is very beautiful. We walked to my truck and I opened the door so Anyango could get in the truck. Anyango was wearing a t-shirt and tight blue jeans. It was a short trip to a nearby hill near the power lines towers, where it would be dark so I could make some good photos of the eclipse. I parked the truck. Anyango perched her butt on the tailgate as I setup my tripod and camera. It would be about an hour or so before the eclipse would start, so we sat on the tailgate talking. After a while, Anyango was leaning on my shoulder, her hand on my leg moving around. I lay back in the truck bed, and Anyango lay down beside me. She placed her head on my chest and began to softly caress around on my stomach, and even moving her hands down on my thighs. I was waiting for her hand to finally bump into my hard cock, but she kept rubbing closer each time. I sat up and told her to turn around in and lay without heads near the tailgate so we could watch the sky. We lay side by side and I leaned on my elbow so that I could see the reflections of the stars in her hazel eyes, when she reached up putting her hand on my head pulling me closer. I softly kissed her lips at first, until I felt her tongue probing my lips. I opened my mouth letting her tongue in to play with my own. As we were kissing, I was pulling her to me, moving my leg in between her legs, grasping her butt with my hands. I was pulling her hard against me, so I knew she could feel my hard cock pressing into her crotch. She was actually pushing her crotch into my hardness. I began to kiss and lick my way around her neck to her ears, biting her earlobes and licking them. Anyango was hugging me tight as I began to tug her t-shirt up from her belly, exposing her navel. I moved down to kiss and slide my tongue into her belly button, as I pushed her t-shirt even higher. I slid my hands under the shirt to grasp her breasts, tickling, tweaking and pulling on her nipples. As I kissed lower on her tummy towards the waistband of her jeans, she pushed her mound up towards me. I was kissing my way lower and Anyango unsnapped her jeans, pushing her zipper down, before raising her hips to slide her jeans down. I helped her to remove them, her panties coming off with them. I took off my shirt and jeans, before crawling between her legs, to lick, and caress her inner thighs. I caressed and kissed my way down one leg, licking at the spot behind her knee, licking down her calf, to slowly caress and lick her toes, sucking each one into my mouth. I moved to the other leg, kissing it the same way as I licked my way back up her leg to finally coming to the spot of my desires. When I reached Anyango’s pussy, I noticed that she was clean shaven, not a bit of hair nowhere around her pussy. I kissed my way to the juncture of thigh and torso, sliding my tongue slowly up her skin, as my fingers caressed her pussy. I could feel her wetness coating my fingers, so I moved so I could finally taste her. I licked up her crease, tasting her as I went. I licked up to her clit, taking it between my lips and teeth to nibble on it. I would suck it into my lips, before biting it with my teeth. Each time I did this, Anyango would raise her hips up to me. I began to push a finger in and out of her pussy, as I licked her clit. She was moaning and telling me to bite her clit some more, so I was more than glad to do so. I was finger fucking her at a rapid pace, when all of a sudden she raised her hips up high and screamed, her orgasm overtaking her. I moved my mouth down so that I could suck her flowing juices right from her pussy. Oh, how sweet she tasted!! I began to kiss my way upwards when she began to calm down, just lying there softly whimpering. I kissed her lips, sliding my tongue into her mouth, when I felt her hand grabbing my cock, leading it to her pussy. When I felt her hole open up for my cock and I pushed into her, I could not believe how hot and wet she was. I mean it felt like my cock was in hot water! I no more got my cock all the way in her, when she grabbed my ass and told me to fuck her and fuck her hard. Hey, no problem. I began to fuck her slow at first, before speeding my thrusts up, fucking her hard and fast. Anyango’s pussy was grabbing and clutching at my cock as it slid in and out of her. Damn, she felt so tight, so hot. Teenage pussy…mmmmmmh. Anyango was begging me. ‘Please fuck me harder! Fuck me! LePerv, fuck me hard.’ I gladly obliged her, as we began to fuck even harder if at all possible. The truck was rocking and we were fucking, harder, faster. She all of a sudden grabbed my ass in her hands, shoving her pussy tight against me, her legs wrapped around my ass, pulling me deeper as she began to cum. I was close, but I was able to keep moving somewhat and her pussy muscles were milking me, so I began to cum deep inside of her. As we began to slow down, Anyango told me that I fucked her better than her daddy did. We uncoupled and I walked nude to the camera to check on the eclipse, which had already started. I began to take photos and felt Anyango standing next to me. She had taken her t-shirt off, naked as I was. We watched until the moon was totally covered by the earth’s shadow, when Anyango kneeled to take my soft cock into her mouth, cleaning our juices off of it. But, then I noticed that approaching storm clouds had covered the moon, so we walked back to climb into the camper. We fucked one more time before finally leaving. I drove Anyango home and we kissed goodbye. She asked if she could begin to ride into school each week with me and of course I agreed. It seems like this semester is turning out better than I thought it would.

The Naive School Girl,

Hello. My name is Akinyi, and the thing I like to do most is suck cock. There probably aren’t a whole lot of girls out there who enjoy it as much as I do. I’m going to tell you about the first blowjob I ever gave, which was also the best one. It was while I was at school during lunch time that I gave my first blowjob. I remember every little detail like it was just yesterday. I was 20 at the time, and I did know about sex and all the different ways it was administered. I sat down at my usual table, right next to the new guy that had just moved in from Kakamega. He was really cute, and seemed pretty nice to me. We talked for a couple of minutes, and then he asked me if there was any place I knew of that we could be alone. I took him to one of my favorite places in the whole school. It was behind a couple of trees and some bushes where I used to do my homework and talk with friends. No one could see us there, and a few of my friends and I were the only ones who knew about it. Then he immediately asked me if I had ever given a blowjob. I said I hadn’t, seeing as it was the truth. I told him I might be interested, because I had never seen a guy’s you know what in real life before. He looked happy, and started to unzip his pants. When his clothes were gone, I found myself looking at a large hairy cock. I took it in my hands and started playing with it, feeling how soft it was. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I made him extremely horny. His cock began to grow and grow. I gasped when it finally stopped. He was huge! He said it would really make him happy if I gave head to him. I said I would because I was afraid that if I didn’t he might not like me anymore. He lay down on the ground, and I got on top of him. I wrapped my hands around his enormous cock, and began to stroke it gently. I placed my tongue just under his head, and moved it all the way down to his balls. I started moving my tongue in circles around the head of his warm cock, and he started to moan. I put his head in my mouth and slowly started to suck on him. I began to move down, sliding more and more of his pulsing cock into my mouth. I felt his head at the back of my mouth and kept on going. His cock seemed to go on forever. I still had about 2 inches left and then he couldn’t stand it any longer and shoved the remainder down my throat. I could feel his head throbbing far inside my throat, and it was the best feeling in the world. I wanted to suck his cock for the rest of my life, because it tasted so good and felt so wonderful. I slowly began to move my mouth up and down on his hard cock. I increased in speed until I could go no faster. His pounding cock flew in and out of my mouth, and I licked and sucked everything in sight. My tongue moved all over his cock, covering every single inch of it, and I still wanted more. Then I felt the cock inside my mouth stiffen. I knew this was the moment. A huge surge of cum flew up the length of his cock and spewed all into my mouth. I savored the taste for a few seconds, and then swallowed it down, hungry for more. I was drinking it down as fast as he could give it to me. When I was satisfied that I had drained him completely, I slowly moved up off of his cock, sucked his head, and licked the remaining cum off of his still throbbing cock. He let out a sigh of relief and told me that was the best thing anyone had ever done for him. I told him how much I enjoyed it, and that we needed to do it again sometime. He agreed. But that’s another story…..